**Thank you to so many of you for your support and encouragement as we make a big next step in Lindsey and I's story. For those of you who were at church and able to hear about our next step thank you for your prayers and support. Many of those we love were not able to be in attendance and I felt this would be the easiest way to communicate the information broadly.**
"Trust the past to God's mercy, the present to God's love, and the future to God's providence." - Saint Augustine
To follow God is no simple task, it brings about joy and sorrow, clarity and mystery, trust and doubt. And ultimately, no words have resonated more true than the words of Saint Augustine above. God's mercy, love, and providence carry on, regardless of circumstance. Below is a bit about Lindsey and I's journey of the past few years and the few years to come, there are countless other stories to be shared, much more than could be typed in a blog post, but here is a bit of where God has led us...
Student ministry has always been a passion of mine, I knew going back to High School that God was shaping and forming me to go into student ministry. And for almost 6 years now, Lindsey and I have been in Napa, following that call on my life. However, for the past 2 years, I have felt a "holy discontent" (to steal a phrase from my senior pastor Allen). It was different from burnout, but something that I didn't seem to be able to shake. It is hard to describe the feeling, and the best way I have found to describe it is that student ministry and myself began to feel a bit like trying to put a square peg in a round hole. It worked, and with enough effort we could make it work, but it simply didn't seem to be the right fit. I ignored the feeling for quite some time and just tried to dive deeper into my ministry and what God was doing. But the discontent continued, I began to pray into what God was bringing about but was still quite uncertain about what it meant and what the future may hold.
In January of 2014, the road to clarity took a small step forward. Myself and the leadership team from FCC went on a prayer retreat to pray into all that God had for us that coming year. During the retreat we were given a portion of the day to wander off and spend time in solitude and prayer. It was during that time, that for the first time God said the phrase over me "Ministry of Words." I had no idea what that meant or any idea what would come of it, so I wrote it down and didn't think much of it.
Flash forward a bit, Lindsey and I continued to pray and seek what God was pointing us toward. Many of you know that for the past 3 years Lindsey and I have been trying to get pregnant but to no avail. We wrestled with all the struggles that infertility brings, the emotions and loneliness, to the feeling of inadequacy. And what proved to be most difficult was that God had already given us a beautiful daughter. We had living proof that we are capable of having children. Because of that we had constructed an image of what our life would look like, only to be blindsided by realizing that picture may never come to fruition. Many nights were filled with tears, sadness, and confusion at why God was withholding a good thing from us. It didn't make sense and many times anger filled our prayers with God. It's funny how we so often believe we have the proper perspective of things. For so long we related to God with what he hadn't provided for us, and the whole time we missed the reality that Madison was the miracle. It's all a matter of perspective I suppose. A new perspective was taking root, a perspective that every day we see her, we realize that maybe we were never meant to have kids, but God provided her for us because he knew our desire.
It wasn't until we truly came to a place of contentment in our lives and in the future of our family, that God began to bring clarity to many of the unknowns. As we began to realize how unbelievably blessed we were to have Madison, we began to find rest in the God who knows us in our best and in our worst and loves us truly. We were beginning to trust the present to God's love. When we reached this place of genuine contentment, God began to unveil some of the reasons why I was experiencing this discontentment, and why we were to only have 1 child for this season.
At this point I began preaching a bit more at FCC and was able to explore my gifting and passion for preaching and teaching. The discontentment in ministry persisted however, and I began to feel that my season in student ministry may be coming to a close, but I wasn't ready to accept that. For me student ministry had made up much of my identity, it was what I was able to do, and it was where I was most comfortable. The idea of ending that season of ministry was terrifying. Tension has a way of pulling you closer to the certainties in your life. Uncertainty, doubt, questions, they all drive you to find stability. Stability that can only truly be found in the changeless, eternal creator. I began to pray in ways that I had not experienced before. For years I have preached to my students, "trust God." But now it was my turn, suddenly I found myself confronted with needing to trust, needing to trust without answers and without certainty. God has a funny way of making sure you believe what you preach.
Allen, seeing this gifting and destiny over my life, began to foster more opportunities for me to preach and to help discern where God was leading. I began to grow more comfortable with my gifts and realized that maybe God really had wired me for something different than student ministry.
The more I preached the more I began to realize preaching/teaching is where I found the most life and passion. God seemed to be growing in me a deeper purpose and calling. The voices of many close to me as well as many in the FCC community began to encourage me and affirm what I was sensing. God is so good in the way he walks alongside us in our journey, encouraging and prompting faith through community around us. Lindsey and I began to talk through if this was in fact something that God was calling me toward, than what our lives would look like to pursue this further. We began to seek out mentors and people in our life who could share wisdom and to help us realize we weren't crazy. Time and time again the response of those whose counsel we sought was something like this, "Why would you not pursue your passion? Why would you not pursue how God has gifted you?" Many conversations, and prayers later we were beginning to feel stronger in our decision to make the change.
The time came to approach Allen and Rick. We knew my days of student ministry were closing and that God was compelling me to go back to school to pursue a Master's of Theology. But the big, scary, unanswered questions was what would I do for work. I have worked in church my entire working life. So to leave a full-time position for the unknown went against every fiber of my being. But it was getting a bit difficult to ignore God's guidance. We scheduled dinner with Rick and Allen with two concerns in our minds, what would I do for work, and second our hearts were breaking at the thought of leaving the community of FCC.
We met Rick and Allen for dinner and again our hearts were overwhelmed with love and support. I cannot speak more highly of these two men of God. The best way I can describe our dinner meeting is as a first date. Filled with nervousness and anxiety, Lindsey and I had a hard time sharing with them how much we loved them, and they were not sure how to express fully their love for us. We talked and shared where our hearts were and our concerns about me finding work and leaving the FCC community. Their response to our concerns was a huge step forward toward where God was leading. They said, "Kevin, have you ever thought about being a traveling speaker and providing pulpit support for churches in need?" You have to understand that 7 years prior, before Lindsey and I were married, Lindsey shared with me that she believed at some point I would be a traveling speaker and writer. It was all begin to come together. Discontent in Student Ministry. Ministry of Words. The freedom of only having 1 child. What I was going to do for work.
But what about our other concern, about leaving FCC. Their response was asking us why we thought we had to leave. Leaving was something we had always just assumed had to happen, but never really thought through why we felt that way. The thought of staying in Napa had never came to us. And in that moment a lot of emotions ran through our minds as we realized that God was working in ways much larger than we originally thought possible.
We left that dinner encourage and strengthened to step into what we believe God is calling us toward in this next chapter of our story.
There are far more stories about God confirming this decision, stories of God speaking to me through the scriptures, stories or people encouraging me to trust God more who had no idea what we were going through. I understand in a new light the importance of community. The importance of the faith of those around us strengthening you when you are in the heavy fog of uncertainty. We were built for community, for the times we are strong, and the times we are weak, we were built for community.
And so, by faith...It is with much excitement, happiness, nervousness, doubt, tears, sadness, faith, questions, some answers, confidence, and trust that Lindsey and I have announced my resignation from FCC. By faith, we are stepping into what we believe is our next season of life. I will be going back to school to pursue my Master's in Theology at Fuller Theological Seminary beginning this summer. While pursuing my education, I will begin a "ministry of words" that God had planted in my heart years ago by traveling and preaching at various churches providing "pulpit support" as well as exploring my love for writing. All of this with the hope of staying in Napa and attending FCC as members. We can't make promises, because we simply don't know what God fully has in store, but this is our hope and where we believe God has us for this season.
And so...
To those of you at FCC, my heart is filled with love and support beyond words. You have taught me much about Jesus, and about what it means to follow and trust in him. You have embodied grace and love as I have had the privilege to seek Christ together in community. Thank you doesn't seem like enough, but thank you.
To my Swerve leaders, you are my family. A student pastor can not ask for a better group of people to work alongside. Your passion and dedication to the students is what has made ministry a blessing. Continue to love well and continue to show students Jesus.
To my students, continue to pursue Jesus. He is better than you can ever imagine. He is calling each of you to the "abundant life." He is for you and not against you. You all hold a dear place in my heart, and you have all created many beautiful memories for me.
Because there is far more to be shared than can be typed, I have placed the recording of Sunday's service where we made the announcement below. The first portion is Allen and I both sharing what we believe it means to walk in faith, and the second portion is Lindsey and I sharing the above testimony.