A week ago, August 1st, my wife and I officially celebrated 5 years of marriage. No doubt, marriage has been the craziest, life altering journey either of us have experienced. It has changed us and shaped us in ways we expected and ways we never would have imagined. We have gone from young idealistic twenty-somethings, to exhausted parents trying to figure out how to not screw up our little one too much.
I still consider myself very much a rookie at marriage, a struggling rookie at that, but here are five things I have learned along the way...
Intentionality Paved the Way
Marriage is ultimately the sum of small, seemingly insignificant decisions that are made daily. You do not wake up one morning with an unbelievable marriage, nor do you wake up one morning with a ruined marriage. Just like anything in life, you must be attentive in the little things before they become the big things. Living and journeying through life together begins in the daily, mundane routines. Whether it is being intentional about actually putting laundry away, or being intentional in the continual pursuit of your wife, the end result is the sum of your decisions. You have to be intentional about loving your spouse because it doesn't come naturally (see point 4), and the daily routines and busyness of life will consume you. In our fast paced world, it is far too easy to go weeks without any thought of what you are doing to foster a growing relationship. Be intentional, study your spouse and find what makes them tick, what makes them happy, what allows them to relax.
Laugh...A Lot
Lindsey and I are incredibly busy. Both of us work hard in our careers, hobbies, and as parents. This requires a tremendous amount of effort, work and time. Unfortunately this takes a toll on the amount of time we are able to have together. So when we do have time we try our best to maximize our time. I find that what connects us is laughter. Whether it is laughing at a movie or show together, or watching our 3 year-old dance around the living room. Laughter has a unique ability to relieve stress, and neutralize our busyness. It bonds us and creates memories that remind us how fun this life is. Life is taken far too serious, far too often. Laugh and laugh often, joke together, smile with each other, create memories that you'll never forget.
Serve Each Other
Marriage gets a bad wrap. I remember when we were engaged and I'd share my excitement about getting married. More often than not I was met with comments like, "excited for the ol' ball and chain?!" or "it was nice knowing you" or "say good bye to you." All of this negativity is rooted in the belief that marriage is ultimately for us individually. But the truth is, marriage has very little to do with our desires or individuality. The foundation for marriage is love and in love there is no room for selfishness. Love calls us to serve regardless of circumstance. So place your spouses need above yours, find ways to out serve one another. The best tool you have to protect your marriage is to serve one another. It isn't always easy, but it is essential.
Love Doesn't Come Naturally
Maybe the hardest lesson I've learned yet is that love is something you have to choose. Our natural tendencies are toward selfishness. For our entire lives everything has been about our own passions, our own desires, our own needs, our own careers, etc. But everything changes when you enter into marriage. Marriage is two people becoming one and this only takes place when you continually choose to put the other person before yourself. Love is selfless and focused more on others than yourself, and this doesn't come naturally. Love is hard, love is difficult, love is vulnerable. This is what makes love so difficult, it is built on decisions, and primarily decisions made when your feelings draw you in the opposite direction. Marriage is built on the choice to love someone regardless of circumstance or situation. This is why wedding vows are covenantal and not contractual. Contractual love says, I will love you if you do this and if you respond this way. But covenantal love says, I will love you regardless of what happens, I will love you in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, etc. Love must be based in the covenant promise made to one another, love must be chosen...and chosen daily.
Marriage is a Gift
The longer I have been married the more I realize how much marriage truly is a gift. It is hard to put into words what it means to have someone who knows everything about me (the good, the bad, the ugly) and yet still chooses to love me. Marriage has brought more joy and richness to my life than anything else. It has brought good times, hard times, and unbelievable experiences. There is nothing in life I have enjoyed more than being married (maybe being a dad, but I'll save that for another post).
Closing thoughts
Marriage is flat out hard. It is tiring and difficult. But there is nothing that has brought me more joy than being married to Lindsey. It is one of life's greatest gifts to be able to experience and travel through life with someone who knows you fully and cares for you deeply. I've made plenty of mistakes over the past five years, but I've learned a lot along the way and have a lot more to learn. So cherish your marriage, work at it, challenge yourself to choose to love when you don't feel like it, stay up late laughing with your spouse, and most of all, love each other deeply, regardless of what it takes.